Wean or Lose?

When I moved to Saudi and became a full time stay at home mom and found out I was pregnant with my fourth child, I told myself that I would try my very best to fully breastfeed this one. I mean, I didnt have to go to work, I'd be with the baby 24 by 7, it was the best situation and opportunity to do it.
Even though Izani was fed with both breastmilk and formula the first few months (the bottle was a back-up plan, "just in case"), in the end I managed to fully breastfeed him. Somehow one day he decided that he didnt want anything from the bottle. Whenever I tried to give him the bottle, he'd take a lick of the latex nipple and he'd make a face and push it out with his tongue. After a few days, I gave up trying and packed the bottles in the sterilizer and put it away in one corner of the storeroom.
It felt like quite an achievement to be able to fully breastfeed Izani. It was definitely convenient. I finally had extra space in my handbag. I never needed to mix formula. When he needed milk, all I needed to do was lift up my shirt and there would be milk! (Wearing long flowy headscarves also helped me to be discreet). I could feed him anytime, anywhere. Sometimes even in the weirdest and unexpected places - I fed him while we were hanging high on the Eye on Malaysia, while watching sulphuric gases billow up from the sleeping volcanic pits of Tangkuban Perahu, in front of the Ka'abah, in the middle of the desert, in the middle of magical iris fields in the middle of the desert, on the second floor of the double decker bus touring Florence, in the Roman Colloseum, in Vatican City, deep in the jungles of Taman Negara, near the Sphinx and Pyramids... sometimes I feel I really spoil him. Since he also needs to nurse to sleep, and just nursing him while *I* sleep is easier, he also ends up sleeping with me.
When he turned 18 months, I started planning to wean him. Not because I was tired of breastfeeding him, but because we were planning to go to Hajj, and I can't bear thinking of leaving him behind if he still needs me (or rather, my mammary glands) and I think it would be risky to bring a small child to such a crowded place. I asked around for tips on how to start weaning. I received a lot of advice. Some funny ones, like putting red stuff on your blinkers and prentending they were bleeding to put him off. I didn't dare try that one.
Even with all the advice though, somehow I was reluctant to start weaning. I mean, I enjoyed the closeness, the feeling of being needed. I was a little worried. Will I lose that when I wean him? Will I miss him nuzzling under my armpit in the middle of the night? Will he resent me for no longer feeding him from my own body? Will we be this close ever again?

One day I got a visit from Ruby, who told me how she weaned off her son.

She used the cold turkey method.
Her son usually takes milk from the bottle during the day, so her only obstacle was weaning him off at night. Her husband took a few days off from work, and for several nights in a row, he and son slept together, away from the mother. Of course her son cried, asking for milk to comfort him to sleep, but eventually her son found another way to get to sleep and now he is totally weaned off. Ruby assured me that the child will not feel resentment towards the mom and that they both can build the closeness in other ways.

Motivated by this, I decided to start.
I decided to start with reintroducing the bottle to Izani. I took out all the bottles from storage, cleaned them and bought a small can of formula (oh my god.. I didnt realize how expensive they have become!). I started with only 30mls of milk and had it available around the house and tried to coax izani to drink it. I told him how yummy it was, and how fun sucking from a latex teat was.
It did not work!
He took a suck, made a face, threw the bottle aside and headed for my boobs. I wasted bottles and bottles of milk that would just end up going sour.
Then I decided to make him go to sleep on his own. My husband can't take off from work, so I decided to try over the weekend. It was horrible! He cried and cried and cried for me. He'd tug at my nightshirt trying to get to the source of comfort that he knew was under it. He'd plead "peas? peas? peas?" (please), which just breaks my heart. He'd scream and protest. When I try to give him the bottle, he'd scream "NO!" and throw it across the room. At one point he would fall asleep exhausted from crying, but only to wake up about an hour later, again crying and begging and then screaming for milk. I'd have to get out of bed and rock him to sleep in the living room, where he would sleep for like 5 minutes then wake up again asking for milk. Sleep deprived, I gave in, and the whole house could sleep peacefully again.
I almost gave up, but I didn't.
I continued with trying to get him to drink milk from the bottle. After several weeks of seeing it lying around, he finally got used to it, and one day decided to try it. The first night he finished 90ml of milk before bed, we whooped and cheered and congratulated him. We also found a nifty trick to make him want his milk. We made as if we were going to give it to his bigger sister Anis (who would act all excited to get milk in a bottle), he'd get jealous and all possesive and would insist on the bottle. tee hee.
Now the hard part is to not to breastfeed him.
Since I was always around, it was really difficult for him to ignore the lure of the breastmilk. He knows it's there. He knows he can get it. So i decided to just say no and stay firm. I knew that if I give in, all my efforts would go to waste.
You did not want to be in my house the first few days when I did this. There was a lot of screaming and crying. If my neighbours heard Izani, they would've have thought that he was in pain or something. He begged and plead for milk and I would say No, and try to give him his bottle. He would say no and the pleas would escalate to screams. I would say No and try to give him his bottle again. He would say No, grab the bottle, throw it across the room, then go after it and kick it, just to show how much he detested the thing. He would then scream and tug at my shirt. I would stand my ground and say No, and he would get really angry and start hitting me or banging his head into my side. I kept my cool by going to a happy place in my head and to not get angry at him. I just sat quietly with my arms across my chest, sitting in a foetal position so that he cant reach what he wants. After a while he'd calm down and I could distract him with other stuff, a favourite movie, some cereal, or rice and chicken.
Then came night time. I made sure he finished his dinner, chasing him around the dining room AND the living room to feed him, if that's what it takes. I made sure there was a bottle of milk always ready for him to drink before bed. In the afternoon I made him go out to play with his big brothers, so I knew he would at least be tired, if not full. Just like during the day, there was a lot of crying and begging and screaming and I did the same thing. I turned my back and literally ignored him. I felt so bad about having to do that, but I knew it had to be done. It turned out that it was so difficult afterall. Perhaps it was becuase he was full, or perhaps it was because he was tired, he didnt throw a tantrum for long before he fell asleep on his own.
This went on for a few days, and finally he started to get the picture. No more suckling with me. He started to drink more from the bottle. He'd get very clingy, always whining to be picked up and held, but I take this as a transition phase. Some nights he'd wake up in the middle of the night, crying and reaching for me, but I'd just hug him and pat him back to sleep. These past few nights he has started sleeping through the night, Alhamdulillah. Sometimes he forgets and comes sit in my lap, touch my chest and ask "susu?" looking up at me with his doe eyes and a pleading smile on his lips, but I would smile back and say "No.. Izani big boy now" and distract him with something else and he'd be okay.

Have I lost the closeness?
I dont think so. He's become more affectionate with me now. Climbing on my back and hugging me. Holding my face with both of his tiny hands and voluntarily kissing me. He has even learnt to say "I Love You". (Which is *so* cute.. i really should take a video of it one of these days).
Weaning isn't so bad after all :)

Would you like to share your experience?